Tonight I'm on the edge of a precipice looking into a deep ravine that I need to walk through. If I could just take one small step at a time, I'm sure I will get to the bottom safely and then be able to climb out the other side. But I'm afraid that I'll fall and become trapped down there. My heart cries out, "How can I cope?" I honestly don't know the answer. Tonight I was reminded how the events of a short period of time can change everything. I'm overwhelmed and so tired but sleep eludes me because I haven't yet handed over my worries to the only One who has offered to take them.
One of my greatest fears is that something will happen to my husband's dad (mid-seventies). We are at a point in our farming operation that Ladger is the only one that can operate all of the machinery and he relies heavily on his dad to do certain things. For instance Ladger is the only one who can operate the combine and he relies on his dad to drive the main grain truck which is a thirteen speed with no syncronization of the gears (meaning it needs to be double clutched - clutch to take it out of gear into neutral and then clutch again to put into the new gear).
At noon, Ladger told me he was very concerned about his dad as it seemed that he wasn't feeling well. But when asked he said it wasn't to worry about. All day, little things happened that indicated that he wasn't doing well. And then he drove into the ditch as he was making a corner...with a full load of wheat. It was a miracle it didn't roll. We got the truck out with the help of neighbors and then Ladger and his mom decided to take his dad to Emergency to have him checked out. I got the phone call after 11 pm that explained this. And I just had a sick feeling. I knew that Ladger's dad would not be able to work for at least a few days in the best case scenario. That leaves me as the only possibility.
I was afraid of so many things that night as I waited for Ladger to come back from the hospital. I was afraid that I would not be able to learn how to drive the truck. I was afraid that I would learn and suddenly be working for hours every single day and not being available for my kids for weeks. I was worried about how we were going to manage starting AWANA and swimming lessons. I was discouraged that all the housekeeping and homeschooling routines that I've been working so hard at would just be wiped away like that. Everything in my life would have to be put on hold indefinitely.
Sure enough, Ladger walked in and asked how I felt about driving the grain truck. His dad would be staying at the hospital until they discovered what was wrong. There was never any question in my mind. Of course I would be driving. I just didn't know how everything would work out. So I wrestled in my spirit far into the night until I could finally hand over my worries to God. It was irony to me that I would be leading worship the next morning as my life felt like it was unravelling. But I can testify that God is good. The words to one song touched me "You are God alone.....in the good times and bad". I didn't just know it in my head. I knew it deeply in my heart. I also 'happened' to talk to two other farm wives going through their own struggles right now and we promised to pray for each other. And then I went home to learn to double clutch.
I did. It wasn't long before I was ready to drive out to the field and give it a try. Ladger took the two boys in the smaller grain truck (we can all drive that one). And I drove the big one and it went well. He combined for a couple of hours and filled up both trucks and then we headed home. The boys were so good. And I felt like I was ready to tackle this situation one small step at a time.
But I didn't have to...at least not today. The gentleman that we rent some land from offered to drive the smaller grain truck and then asked if we would need his son to help out with the bigger truck - he was available for the day and he took his trucker's license a few months ago. And my heart is filled with gratitude.
Meanwhile it turns out that Ladger's dad had a vicious stomach flu and ended up dehydrated. He's still in the hospital recovering but I no longer have to worry about a more serious prognosis. One way or another, we'll find a way to keep going and get this harvest in. One of the most special things was that my willingness to learn and drive that truck meant a lot to my husband. I think it gave him hope that he badly needed when things were looking so bad. As for me, I learned that I truly can hand over my worries. I'm at peace tonight even though I have no idea what will take place tomorrow. Blessings to each of you and especially to those who are going through a crisis of your own.
"How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? ...Have you never heard orI've been listening to Josh Groban. The 'you' in his song "You Raise Me Up" is probably not intended to be God but that is how I always hear it. And it reminds me of this passage at the end of Isaiah 40.
understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of
all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of
his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers
strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted and young men will give
up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on
wings like eagles...."
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